Soliloquy

Lahat ng kwento ay may simula, gitna, at katapusan. May mga iba’t ibang tauhan, may mga bida at may mga kontrabida.

Noong bata ako, nakahiligan ko magbasa ng mga fairytales. Nandyan si Cinderella at ang kanyang nawawalang sapatos. Si Snow White at ang nakalalasong mansanas. Si Rapunzel at ang kanyang mahabang buhok. At marami pang iba. Lahat ng kanilang mga kwento ay nagsisimula sa mga katagang “Once upon a time…” at nagtatapos sa “…and they lived happily ever after”.

Once upon a time, in a faraway castle, there lived a young princess. A fair maiden with bright eyes, so pure and innocent, and her hair, so black and majestic… I would love to continue this story, but I cannot. I never knew of a young princess nor went to castles faraway from home. But whenever someone asked me to describe a princess, all I can see was a picture of you inside my head.

Continue reading “Soliloquy”

Advertisements

Secret Note #1

I’d like to think that I’m drunk. But, I am not.
In my soberest state, I am missing you.

It’s the first day of the year, and all I could think about is how you’re doing.
In a non-stalker-ish way, I always want to know everything about you.
Where are you? What are you up to? Do you miss me too?
I guess I’ll never know.

Maybe I should stop missing you.
But who am I kidding?

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #16

When I was 17, I fell in love with a girl. A beauty with long, black hair, hazel brown eyes and the prettiest smile which always took my breath away. She wore the most casual clothes and yet still looked beautiful. She was my best friend. I loved her with the kind of love that was frowned upon by many. I knew that she loved me. But not the kind of love that I wanted. It was hard, but I had to let her go.

Years went by and we decided to move separate ways. I eventually moved on. I found other people who made me forget about her. They ignited a passion inside that I never knew of. I travelled to places I have never been to. I ate and drank food I have never eaten before. I experienced new and exiting things. But I still felt numb.

When I was 22, I met a girl in a coffeeshop. She was a looker. Her hair bounced on her shoulders when she walked. Her brown eyes sparkled as she looked to my direction. I stared at her while she gave me a smile. I could have sworn that I already saw her a long time ago. She reminded me of a time I thought I had already forgotten. She reminded of a feeling that I once wished never existed.

When I was 15, I was sad and lonely. I was the new kid to a new school and it took a while to adjust. Everyday, I was surrounded by classmates who were already friends. I was an outsider. One day, the teacher asked us to be paired for homework. I waited for everyone to settle before finding out who was left with no partner. When suddenly a girl tapped my shoulder. She grinned and asked if we could be partners. She became my best friend.

Hindi na kita mahal

Hindi na kita mahal.
Ilang beses ko nang sinabi.
Iwinika sa hangin, sa sarili, sa kawalan,
Paulit-ulit hanggang matuyo ang aking lalamunan,
Bawat araw sinasambit, upang kailanma’y hindi malimutan.

Isang araw,
Nakita ko kayong magkasama,
Magkatabi at magkaakbay, habang nagtatawanan.
Ako’y natigilan.

Hindi na kita mahal.
‘Yun ang akala ko.

Nang makita ko kayong dalawa, hindi ko mapigilan ang selos.
Gusto kong paglayuin ang magkahawak ninyong mga kamay.
Pinigilan ko ang aking sarili na hatakin ka palayo.
Pero alam kong wala na akong karapatan.
Matagal ka nang hindi akin.

Ikaw na lang; at ako.
Wala nang tayo.

Hindi na kita mahal.
Pero sa araw-araw, ikaw pa rin ang hinahanap.
Sa kasiyahan man o sa kalungkutan,
Umulan man, bumagyo, o umaraw,
Kahit walang sapat na dahilan,
Namimiss ka.

Hindi na kita mahal.
Bakit parang ngayon ko lang nararamdamang wala ka na sa’kin?
Malungkot lang siguro ako, malapit na kasi ang aking kaarawan.
Naalala ko bigla yun regalo mong stuff toy.
Nasaan na kaya yun?
Natapon ko na ata lahat nang bakas ng ating relasyon.

Pero bakit ganun? Nandyan ka pa rin,
Sinasakop ang aking puso’t isipan?

Hindi na kita mahal.
Pero anong magagawa kung ikaw pa rin ang laman ng kalooban.
Sobrang tanga ko talaga pagdating sa’yo.
Kahit ilang bote ng alak ang inumin,
Hindi pa rin makalimot ang pusong lasing na lasing sa’yo.

Hindi na kita mahal.
Paulit-ulit kong sinasambit.
Para na akong sirang plaka, nakakabingi at nakakarindi,
Malapit nang masira.
Nababaliw na yata ako, puna ng aking mga kaibigan.

Hindi na kita mahal.
Ngunit sa umaga, pagkagising hanggang sa gabi,
Ikaw pa rin ang bida sa aking isipan.
Kumain ka na? Anong ginagawa mo? Nasaan ka ngayon?
Masaya ka ba?

Walang pang lason na kayang magbura sa’yo.

Hindi na kita mahal.
Pero bakit ikaw pa rin ang bigkas nitong damdamin?
Ipinagsisigawan ko na sa lahat ng tao, sa buong mundo.
Baliw man na ako sa mata ng sangkatauhan.

Hindi na kita mahal.
Nawawalan na ng saysay ang pag-ulit ko sa mga katagang ito.
Habang tumatagal, tila pinapaniwala ko na lamang ang aking sarili.
Ayoko na.
Pagod na ako.

Hindi na kita mahal.
Pero may bumubulong pa rin na ito’y kasinungalingan.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #15

It is a disease.

Never wanting to fully commit to anything, but certainly aspiring to achieve something. Running towards a certain goal, but abruptly putting on the brakes before reaching it. Going for the climb, but backing out before making to the top. Daring to jump at the edge of a cliff, but never following through.

I am usually good at beginnings. But somehow, I never get to see how it all plays out, because I always find myself looking for the nearest exit.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #14

What do I think about marriage?

Marriage is waking up and looking at the same face every morning for the rest of your life. It is drowning in those same colored eyes while at the same time wondering why you are still breathing. It is hearing the melody of the same voice over and over again without getting tired of its rhythm. It is arguing over silly, mundane things and learning to say sorry even if you are not in the wrong. It is knowing that there will always be someone waiting. It is coming home to safety after a long day at work. It is always being there through thick and thin. It is holding someone’s hand and never having to let go. It is never having to be on your own again. It is a promise to be with each other until death comes knocking.

I respect everyone who wants this. But no, it isn’t for me.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #13

Some days, I just want to tell you that I miss you. But then it would be out of character, so I find myself stumbling with senseless words again to mask how I really feel. I know it is annoying but, I can’t help it. It is my defense mechanism. An unconscious way of repressing the feelings that you would never reciprocate. A subtle way of telling myself not to expect anything and to avoid disappointments.

Every single day, I always find myself thinking, contemplating of meager things that could start a conversation with you. A simple hi or hello might have sufficed but keeping up the discussion would be difficult. It would take me minutes or hours to plan everything inside my head but most of the time, those words, they were never sent because of fear that you might start seeing through my act.

I guess this is how it will always be. I am truly timid when it comes to you.